Love Blog 05: Hindi Ko Pa Sinusunog Ang Diary Ko

Alam mo ‘yung sabi nila? Isulat mo raw lahat ng nararamdaman mo sa papel tapos sunugin mo ito. Para raw maka-let go ka.

Ang sabi ko sa diary ko, “Tama na.” Papakawalan na kita. Papakawalan ko na ‘yung alaala na una tayong nagkakilala. Sino ba naman ang maga-akala na magkaka-spark tayo? Di ko talaga in-expect. Papakawalan ko na ‘yung alaala ng mga ngiti mong nakaka-tulala. Yung mga matatamis mong salita na nagpakilig sakin. Yung sabi mo na hindi ka mang-iiwan. Hindi ka aalis. Hindi ka nga umalis, pero nang-iwan ka naman. Hindi lang ata talaga tayo para sa isa’t isa. Grabe. Tapos na ba talaga?

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Alam mo yung minsan nai-imagine ko na magkakabalikan tayo. Tapos, mag-aaway tayo. Yung tipong aawayin kita nang sobra para malaman mo na sobra kitang minahal. Na sobra akong nasaktan. Na sobrang na-miss kita. Pero sobrang ayoko na. Binigay ko naman lahat ng pagmamahal ko. Alam kong alam mo kung gaano ako naging baliw sa’yo. Minsan nga, naguguluhan ako. Kasi yung nasa imahinasyon ko parang nangyari na. Nag-away na nga ata tayo nang ganun. Naghalo na yung imahinasyon at alaala sa utak ko. Pero, matindi pa rin talaga ang imahinasyon ko. Kasi iniisip ko pa rin na sobra tayong nag-aaway kahit na sa totoo, tapos na. Nagsawa na tayong mag-away.

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Alaala na lang ata talaga ang meron ako. Magiging masaya pa ba ako tulad noong masaya ako kapag kasama ka?

Minsan, hinahawakan ko ang diary ko malapit sa puso ko. Tapos, paulit-ulit kong binabasa yung mga pahina na sinulat ko ‘yung tungkol sa’yo. Andami palang nangyari. Nakaipon na ako ng mga diary dahil sa’yo. Kapag nakapikit ako, nararamdaman ko pa rin ‘yung init galing sa mga yakap mo. Yung amoy mo. Wala na ba talagang “tayo”? Nalulungkot ako kasi gusto ko ay manatili ka. Gusto ko pagkagising ko, alam kong magkikita pa rin tayo. Hindi lang basta magkikita. Yung tipong sabik tayong magkita. Yung sabik ako na makita ka kaya nagpapaganda ako nang bongga. Tapos sabik ka na makita ako kaya ka nagagalit dahil late na naman ako. Ngayon, parang wala na lang ‘yun sa’yo. Hindi naman kita pwedeng pilitin. Alangan hilahin kita at kulitin. Dati sweet ‘yun, ngayon alam kong maiinis ka na lang sa akin. Kaya, binubuhos ko na lang lahat ng emosyon ko sa diary ko.

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Wala eh. Wala na tayo. Minsan, gusto ko na lang magpanggap na masaya pa tayo. Kaya nga may diary eh. Kasi pwede akong mag-imbento na napapasaya kita. At napapasaya mo ako. Kapag ba nag-imbento ako ng kwento, magkaka-totoo ba ‘yun lahat sa buhay natin?

Gusto ko lang naman yung dati.

Pero kapag nakikita kita. Okay ka naman. Wala kang girlfriend o niligawan. Ayos naman ako. Wala akong boyfriend o manliligaw. Siguro ganun ata talaga katatag ang pagmamahalan natin. Hindi man sa simbahan ang wakas, hindi naman basta-basta mawawasak. Matibay. Pero hindi sa paraang gusto ko.

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Buo ka na ulit. Buo na ulit ako. Siguro di ko naman kailangan nang ibalik ang nakaraan. Kasi, andyan ka pa rin naman. At kung ano man ako ngayon? Yun ay dahil may isang espesyal na ikaw sa aking nakaraan.

Kaya, hindi ko pa sinusunog ang diary ko.

This is an entry to Claire Delfin Media’s ‘Spread The Love Blog’ Promo. The entry with the most number of views will win a roundtrip ticket for two to Cebu via Philippine Airlines, and a two-night stay with free breakfast at Marco Polo Plaza.


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April Rose D. Dellosa is a lover of life. She is so in love with life that she keeps writing about it.

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